Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”