{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.