Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

These aren’t even hard anymore.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone