Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.