*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Mornin
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.