*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
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Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Steam Forums
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
So the ex texted me
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in