Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

cry laughing at this shit

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.