Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
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Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.