Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
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Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
bro what is going on at twitter
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.