Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?