Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

12653.

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

m’lady

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Taco Bell, Exit 22

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.