Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
so this horse walks into a bar
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Every. Damn. Time.
So true for me
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Who.
Did.
This?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
