Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”