Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
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stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
How did we not see this back then?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I disagree with my politics
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point