Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.