Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook