Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Driving in Europe vs Canada

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??