Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.