Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
What is going on? 😅
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.