Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”