Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

I’m awake but I object,

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman