Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

I camp so other people don’t have to.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”