Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
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a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.