“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus