Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
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[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.