Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

What number SPF blocks people?

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

All food is good if you spell it wrong

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?