Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

found my next D&D character name

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.