Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
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Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Why font matters.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me buying fruit and veg
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.