Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

won’t smith

I’m the neighbor

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

Brands during Pride

So many people to disappoint, so little time

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.