Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

Finally! 😈

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.