Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
This is my pinned tweet
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I hope they boil the right one.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”