Read some books written by famous doctors recently:

“The Fire Within You” by Dr. Agon

“Drinking blood: The key to immortality?” by Dr. Acula

“Started From The Bottom: Evolution of Injections” by Dr. Ake

“Cocaine: A Lifesaver” by Dr. Ug Dealer

“Alcoholism & You” by Dr. Unkard

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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.


[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy


It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…


Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.


Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today


Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day


5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.


[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*