fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Read some books written by famous doctors recently:
“The Fire Within You” by Dr. Agon
“Drinking blood: The key to immortality?” by Dr. Acula
“Started From The Bottom: Evolution of Injections” by Dr. Ake
“Cocaine: A Lifesaver” by Dr. Ug Dealer
“Alcoholism & You” by Dr. Unkard
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku
OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*