My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Why do meteors always land in craters?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby