Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Important

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator