Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
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My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.