Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

Would you wear it?

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.