Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
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I hate everything
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet