Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
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I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time