read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??