read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.