*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
