*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
