*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
He’s dead
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The symmetry is uncanny.
