*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
The three genders
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
