*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
