Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

❤️🦆

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream