reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
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What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.