*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
see next tweet for some translations
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭