*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.