*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
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My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
That de-escalated quickly
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.