Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

yall want some gasoline milk

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes