*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
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My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!