Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

thank god the sign was there

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.