Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait