Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

What.

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger