Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL