Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

this is literally a CIA plant

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

Sorted

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

lot going on here, legally speaking.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”