Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
All right then, keep your secrets
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.