Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Cat.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use