reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Butt weight. There’s more!
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Ladies, why y’all do this?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”