Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

Who chose this font

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Stop.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.