Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

From my Mom

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor