[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.