Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[reading an e-book]
[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
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I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
If your wife asks what would you do without me?
ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Best Buy: *opens first store
Good Buy: We should have seen this coming