@dave_cactus

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

You Might Also Like

@ItsAndyRyan

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

@Royal_Stein

I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.

@OctopusCaveman

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

@dshack8

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

@TenaciousGrace_

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

@EtobicokeErnie

If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer

@abbycohenwl

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

@ThaJawn

Best Buy: *opens first store

Good Buy: We should have seen this coming