[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Spring of Deception
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.