[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
These are so Plastic Man-core
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
How actors in movies eat their food
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*