Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.