[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

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Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead


I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.


The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.


*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.


I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.


Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school

Son: oh now I get it
Dad: get what?
Son: why you didn’t make it to university


Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues


Inside of you are two wolves: one that understands data privacy is important, and one that will hand over literally any piece of personal data if it means getting food delivered to your house with little to no human interaction


Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.