did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Sorry not sorry.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.