Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong