[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone