Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.