Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.