Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time