[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

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The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house


*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*


I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.


Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.


I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”


ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it


Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna


Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit