The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
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*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*
I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit