@audipenny

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

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@Smooheed

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

@LaziestCanine

*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*

@LittleMissAngr1

I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

@sixfootcandy

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

@joejwest

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

@OctopusCaveman

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

@chanelpuke

Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit