[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
You Might Also Like
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.